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The light bounces off the walls, and into the whirring of the ceiling fan. The shadows and light pulsate; my breath falls into rhythm. There are only four sounds: the loud humming of the laptop, the swish of the fan, the steely laptop speaker music, and my heavy, slightly erratic breathing. They're important, these details. This is the scene.



Staring into the visual vibration is soothing. It takes me away from the here and now for the briefest moment. No clarity yet, but it's a process. A single drop of saline water runs down from the corner of my eye into my ear, and I just... keep staring.

The more I do this, the more the pulsating light will guide me. The more I lie here, the less I have to face. This is part of the solution and part of the problem.

Within the next two weeks, I will get the help I think I need. I want every bit of sadness extracted.

For now, I'll stay dazed, losing parts of my consciousness to the flickering shadows.

4:04am

There is something incredibly lonely about being awake at 4:00 in the morning. It's too late and too early at the same time.


That is until you step outside. A college town is no city that never sleeps, but at any given hour, at least three or four cars will pass by. Lit windows interspersed throughout the apartment complex. It's safe to say that everyone is up for the same reason. It's an interesting sort of camaraderie, all without even knowing who they are.

Even with this vague sense of unity, I can't help but feel unbearably alone, desperate for some sort of human contact. These are the times I wish I had a boy to come home to. To finish my cigarette and crawl into bed next to the love of my life, as he shifts and wraps an arm around me, pulling me in.

I could do without that, even. All I want is to be able to connect with someone. If I could just talk to someone right now, really talk to them, things would just... they would seem more worth it.